What Marriage & Motherhood Taught Me About Dating

Lesson 1: Look for growth and honesty

Matt and I have been together six years and married for two and a half. We've become different people: we built a business, became Christian and became parents. Some couples grow apart, but when you both genuinely value growth and honesty, and live them out, it points to you growing together.

What growth looks like in a man

It doesn't have to mean self-help books or the same personal growth course as you. The more important signs are that when you get into a conflict, he can apologize, take responsibility for his part and change for the better, and that he's taking responsibility for his life and taking positive steps in his career, friendships and health.

Stop looking for a man who has his life all together, and start looking for a man you can grow with.

The idea that he should have his finances perfect, his debt paid off and his whole kingdom built so you can be the princess inside it is a fairy tale that sets us up to fail. Look for an imperfect man taking steps forward every day, a man you can build your kingdom with.

What honesty looks like in a man

He tells you the truth even when it doesn't benefit him. Over time, he reveals deeper things, like something from his past he feels shame about. Early on, notice how he talks about his ex, how he treats the waiter, his friends and his family. If someone tells little white lies and sidesteps responsibility in small ways, they'll do it in big ways too.

Lesson 2: A husband is a lover, a friend and a teammate

Our culture over-romanticizes the early dates: did he buy flowers, did he pay? Those matter, and you should feel pursued. But in the throes of marriage and starting a family, what matters even more is that he's a good teammate and that you've built a solid friendship.

Who you marry is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. He's the one who will comfort you through loss, sit beside you eating cereal on quiet Saturday mornings, and help you after you've given birth.

• Friend: someone you love to dream with, talk with and laugh with.
• Lover: a man you love being held by and feel safe with.
• Teammate: a man with a shared goal who seeks to make your role easier.

About a week after our baby was born, at 1am, exhausted, with the baby crying, Matt was next to me googling how to calm a baby and how to support me while breastfeeding, taking notes. That was the most romantic moment of our relationship.

To discern this while dating, come in with your non-negotiables and future vision clear, have the uncomfortable conversations, and pace yourself.

Lesson 3: You are a wife and a mother right now

When I was single, being a wife and mother felt far away. Now those days feel like yesterday, and everything I did in my singleness impacts my life every day, the good and the bad.

Imagine the wife and mother you want to be. How does she carry herself, handle her emotions, speak, care for her home? Then look at the gap between who you are now and who she is, and start taking steps toward her today.

What I prioritized in my singleness

• Building an online business so I could have flexible hours as a mom
• Learning how to love and respect men, and healing my heart before I met my husband
• Practicing voicing my feelings, needs and desires
• Learning how to cook and bake for my future family
• Building a relationship with Jesus

What I wish I'd prioritized more

• Understanding my health and hormones to prepare for pregnancy, birth and postpartum
• A consistent exercise routine
• Keeping a home clean and organized
• Learning about baby care, breastfeeding and child development

Be discerning about the man you choose, and at the same time, embody the woman who can be the wife and mother she wants to be. You'll become more attractive to the man you want, and more fulfilled while you wait. It's not too early to start.

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