How to Know If You Can Trust a Man You're Dating

Why "he says the right things" isn't enough

So many women who come to us get stuck in the same place. They meet a man who is great in the beginning, and then they start asking themselves valid questions: Is he presenting himself to be something he's not? Am I pushing a good man away? Am I overthinking things, or are these red flags I should genuinely be aware of?

When you're dating for marriage, you want to be looking for four aspects of trust.

1. Competency: can he do the job well?

You probably go to a specific hairdresser, or a specific person who does your nails, because they do the job very well. I go to a specific barber for the same reason, and I feel fear around going to another one. That unconscious decision is what has you trust someone.

In dating, you're looking for things like:

• Can he communicate? Not just how he says things, but can he actually hear you? Does he respond with criticism, contempt or comparison, or does he empathize, validate and listen?
• Is he a great provider and protector? Especially if you want a family one day. And providership isn't just financial. Financial providership is the lowest form of providership.

2. Consistency: can he do it again and again?

I once went to a barber who did an amazing job. I went back a second time and it just wasn't as great. I didn't go back to that barber. Consistency is whether he can do the job, meaning date you and be in a great relationship, over an extended period of time.

The right man is going to be better with time. The wrong man is going to be exposed with time.

Consistency doesn't mean perfection. Nobody is perfect. Only Jesus is. You're looking for a man who can minimize the time between an unconscious reaction and a conscious response. If he does slip up, he takes ownership, apologizes and tells you what he's going to do instead.

3. Reliability: can you depend on his word?

Reliability is competency and consistency, plus one more ingredient: you can trust his word. He does what he says he's going to do. Not 100% of the time, but when he can't follow through, he tells you beforehand. And if he falls, he apologizes and takes ownership.

4. Care: does he have your best interests at heart?

When I first met my wife, Kelley, I knew I could trust her because of the first three aspects. But I also knew she cared. I could share things I felt fear around and old wounds, and she was able to hear me and not use it against me.

A man who genuinely cares can hold your wounds and your fears, take delicate care of them, and never use them to manipulate you. That feeling of safety is also one of the stages that has a man commit. I break that down in the 5 stages healthy men go through before they commit.

How to spot red flags early

Here's how I define a red flag: a pattern, action or circumstance that points towards future pain if something isn't addressed.

One of the best ways to spot red flags and know you can trust a man is to have a dating plan. If you want to get healthy, you get a training plan or a meal plan. If you want to grow your finances, you get a financial plan. But when it comes to dating and marriage, most people don't have a plan at all.

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