How to Inspire a Man to Pursue You

The problem with being the cool girl

In modern dating culture, so many women try to be the cool girl: the girl with no needs, who doesn't really like the guy, who's totally chill and not high maintenance. Or they play games, dating like it's chess instead of getting to know a man with the intention of marrying him.

The result? So many women feel unseen in their connections with men. They don't feel pursued, understood or valued, and they don't feel men leaning in.

The solution: reveal your heart

In simple terms, revealing your heart means sharing your feelings and desires with a man. Instead of being the cool girl, be awkwardly honest.

• Share that you're interested in him, and what you like about him.
• Share what you find attractive about him.
• Share how you're feeling on a date, positive or a little negative: "Wow, I'm so attracted to you," or "I feel a little uncomfortable holding hands at this stage."

When I was dating, a man I was on a first date with went to hold my hand and my whole body froze up. It was way too quick for me. For a moment my people pleaser kicked in and I kept walking, holding his hand, pretending I liked it. Then I realized I had to reveal my heart, so I said, "Hey, I actually feel uncomfortable holding hands at this point." He immediately let go, apologized and said he totally understood. I got to see his kindness and care, and I got to reveal my heart.

Under every complaint is a desire.

Say you've been chatting with a man on an app for a couple of days and you're frustrated he hasn't asked you out. Pause and share the desire underneath: "Hey, I'd really love to go on a date with you." Then see what he does with it. If he leans in and plans something, you feel his interest. If he stays uninterested, that's your information, and a great time to move on.

How much to reveal in each phase of dating

Matt and I teach three phases of dating:

• Phase 1, "I don't know you yet": the first few dates. Share that you're interested and curious, and that you'd love to go on a date. Not your deepest wounds.
• Phase 2, "I like you": roughly dates four to ten.
• Phase 3, "I think I love you": ten dates and beyond, right before commitment. Deeper desires and wounds belong in late phase 2 and phase 3.

This protects you, and it keeps you from falling too hard, too fast.

A warning: let him show up for you

Once you reveal your desires, men will want to give you more: more dates, more attention, more flowers. Open your heart to receive it. If you say you love flowers and he shows up with yellow ones, and you hate yellow, that's not the moment to tell him. It's the moment to appreciate his thoughtfulness, the time and money he spent.

That creates a positive feedback loop: the more you appreciate how he shows up, the more he wants to show up. The opposite is a negative loop. Criticize the restaurant, the color, the flowers, and you kill off his desire to show up for you.

Try it this week. Reveal your feelings and desires to the men around you, whether you're dating or not. You'll see that men want to make you happy. This is the key to inspiring a man to pursue you.

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