Love Finds You When You Stop Looking? (The Truth)

The lie in "love finds you when you stop looking"

When you really want something and you're chasing it, it can elude you, and that does happen in love. But hearing "stop looking" is so frustrating, because then what do you do? Stop taking action? Stop wanting it? You can't stop wanting it.

Here's the lie in that phrase: that you need to stop taking action, be passive, or stop searching for your future husband.

And here's the truth: if you're looking for your future husband and taking every action from a place of desperation, from wanting to fill a void in your heart, you will push away the love you're looking for. So the solution is to take the correct action from the correct heart posture.

The right heart posture

The best place to take action from is clarity about what you want and desire in your future husband. It's okay to want it, and it's beautiful to have that yearning in your heart. But it has to be coupled with trust in the timing and surrender about when it will happen, while still holding excitement for the future.

The right actions: three ways to meet a man

Matt and I teach that there are only three ways you can meet a man:

• In person: speed dating events, the grocery store, Home Depot. There are a million places.
• Through a mutual connection: asking someone to set you up. A woman in our Dating For Marriage program asked her pastor to set her up, and now she's in a relationship with that man.
• Online: when you use dating apps in a way that's actually supportive, you can meet really great, marriage-minded men.

If you're not meeting great men on the apps, it's not because there aren't great men on there. It might be that your dating profile isn't set up to show the woman you are. (That's something Matt covers in the free weekly workshop.)

Take these actions with high intention but low attachment.

That means you're clear that you want to meet your husband, but you hold loosely how and when he comes into your life. When I was dating, I used all three avenues, and I ended up meeting Matt through Instagram. You never know where God is going to deliver your husband through. We want the humility to take every action we can, and the trust to say, "Your way, God, not mine."

What to do while you're dating

To support that surrendered heart posture while you take action:

• Pursue God: prayer, church, getting into the Word.
• Take care of yourself: hydrating, exercise, getting outside, whatever helps you feel alive and nourished.
• Enjoy your life: new hobbies, friends, deeper connection with family.
• Keep growing into the woman you want to be.

That's how you can be hands-off while still being active in meeting men. And that's how healthy love can actually find you.

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